ILLUMINATING THE ILLUMINATI
By the RABBLEROUZER
We here at the Gazette have found a transcription of the last pay per view event with members of the ILLUMINATI led by Jayson Lastnamenotimportant. They have hinted at their own past wrestling history and after many seconds of research we have found the last pay-per-view of the W.H.O. Federation [Wrestling Homo Opponents]. Here were the results:
Naked Mud Wrestling Match
Hollywood J beat Clenched Ass
It's Raining Men Match [3-way]
Mason Storm vs. Thunder Vs. Lightning
Special Gay Porn Star Wars Themed Match
Dark side vs. Luke Guyfucker
The Kinky Foreplay Match
The Natural Chris Ice vs. Harry LongNipple
SPECIAL FACE YOUR FEARS MATCH
The President of the W.H.O. federation JAYSON M. vs. The Priest that Touched Him As a Kid
I don't know how this new guy will fare in the EWF but I just hope some of the stipulations from his former federation don't make it to our federation. He is already clamoring for Divas but he hasn't made it clear if he actually wants women or men in women's clothing. Stay Tuned for more experimental updates on the "rookie of the queer." -RABBLEROUZER
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
THE GAZETTE- ISSUE #2
INTRODUCING THE MASTERMINDZ OF 'O9:
1. PIRAGUA- [Hall Of Famer] Born in the Brazillian rainforest, Piragua grew up around many animals and learned how to mimic the way they move, sound, and yes...fight. He combined the most lethal attributes of these animals to create a unique fighting style. He has the agility of a spider monkey, the striking ability of a boa constrictor, and the proportional strength of a rhinoceros beetle. These are the skills that made him a 3-time PWA [aka the PIRAGUA WINS AGAIN federation] World Champion for a PWA record 291 days. Unlike another self-proclaimed "legend of the ring" he has been a World Champion in 2 Federations. He has also won a plethora of other belts in his storied wrestling career. Known for his loincloth and his devastating signature move, BRAIN FREEZE, Piragua carried a whole federation on his back and will again turn wrestling rings into his own personal jungle.
2. CoCito- Walking in the footsteps of his uncle Piragua, CoCito will be the youngest wrestler ever in any of the federations. At a mere 16 years old he is already training to be a force in the EWF's competitive field of wrestlers. Unlike his uncle, CoCito was born in Queens,NY where Piragua's sister Colada relocated when she was adopted by sloth hunters. He is currently working at a cell-phone store in Jackson Heights and has used this early job and his famous uncle's BRAIN FREEZE as the basis for his signature move: THE BRAIN CELL which involves stuffing a cell phone into the opposing wrestlers mouth and kicking it up to his brain. His trademark, PAYMENT PLAN, is still being tinkered with.
3. HEAVENLY FATHER [formerly Pimp Daddy]-[Hall of Famer] The wrestler formerly known as PIMP DADDY has had a transformation since he was last in the ring. Ever since a near death experience during an orgy at a boat party held by shady businessman Lou Samut, the man known for his signature move THE BITCH MAGNET vowed to change his ways. He claimed he he met Jesus while in a brief sex coma and that the man upstairs needed him to rid the world of sinners. Now he returns to the ring with his new trademark, THE FATHER'S BLESSING followed by his new signature move, BORN AGAIN. He also announced his exit from the Ringleaderz faction that he started with another Hall of fame wrestler LTZ. He joined forces with 2-time EWF world champion LEVITCUS to form the violently religious faction: THE ZEALOTS. He is also a former EWF World Champion and 2-time Caribbean Champion as well as other belts.
4. LTZ- [Hall of Famer] The man known for his powerful and demeaning move, LESS THAN ZERO, and former EWF WORLD and CARIBBEAN Champion [as well as a buffet's worth of other belts], always showed that he had a lotta heart...and a lotta belly. LTZ was the working man's wrestler. A former mailroom clerk who began wrestling under the tutelage of his mentor JESUS DIAZ, he used his plumpness to overpower people and occasionally sit on them until they gave up. He was also deceptively fast in the ring and was known to change his demeanor from minute to minute. At first it was thought to be bipolar disorder but it eventually was blamed on his unpredictable hunger patterns. After Jesus Diaz passed away from a horse kicking accident in 2006, LTZ lost his hunger...for wrestling. After returning to the mailroom, he was motivated into wrestling again by his new boss who continually made sure he was not fooling around on the computer or talking on the phone too long. He dubbed her THE BIG BOSS LADY. And from now on she will accompany him to the ring when he wrestles so she can see him finish the job...of being World Champ again. LTZ also now is the current leader of the RINGLEADERZ faction since PIMP DADDY became HEAVENLY FATHER. What he plans to do with it is still up in the air.
5. DOUBLE BARRELL- You know the saying, "Everything's bigger in Texas." Well whoever coined that phrase must have been thinking about Double Barrell. A former EWF and PEWF Hardkore champion and PEWF barbwire champion shows that this Texan fights best when their are no rules. He grew up riding horses and learning how to shoot guns from his father. One day he stopped riding horses and started wrestling them. He got so good with guns he accidentally shot his pops when he was 10 years old. Although he felt incredibly bad about murdering his pa, he did not cry once about it. His daddy always told him, "Crying is for sissies. You ain't no sissy, are ya boy?" Everytime DB does his signature move, THE 21 GUN SALUTE, he dedicates it to his father. Double Barrel also has had to deal with the constant stalking of a wrestler he would rather not give the press to by saying his name. Needless to say, this obsessed wrestler has continued to prowl around DB's farm doing a bad job of hiding because his huge hair prevents him from doing so. DB just shrugs it off as a crazy senior citizen who is off his medication.
6. LEVITICUS- [Hall of Fame] Not much is known about this former EWF World and Caribbean champion except that he wears a mask that covers his face. Legend has it that he was a former priest whose church was burnt down by religion hating townspeople. His face was permanently scarred but not as much as the scarring he went through emotionally. His belief in people was forever gone. After that day he vowed to cleanse sinners himself. The only way he knew how to make people holy was for him to act UNHOLY... which became his signature move and his answer for a sin-free world. He has recently joined forces with HEAVENLY FATHER to create the faction known as the ZEALOTS whose sole purpose is to wash away wrestler's sins...even if its with their blood.
7. JONNY LIBIDO- This former PEWF tag team champion and PWA triple threat champion Italian from Long Island is known for his sexual prowess. He has a post-fight ritual of having sex with the hottest woman from the audience. Since he has been out of the wrestling limelight he has been on a mission to have sex with a women from each of the 50 states. He called it the U.S. LAY TOUR. He also spread his seed in the Chinese version of that tour: JEET KUNE LIBIDO which is a sexual martial arts technique he perfected. Now that he has accomplished all his wet dreams, he now has his sights set on being a World Champion. Watch out for the WOP DROP!
8. TOBIUS THE TYRANT- A former tag team champion, TOBIUS THE TYRANT claims to come from a family of vampires from Transylvania who were treated as outsiders in their own village and forced to move away because they were different. Anybody he steps in the ring with automatically becomes a member of that screaming mob that called him and his family a bunch of freaks. This led him to become a dictator in a small Transylvanian town where the villagers there naemd him TOBIUS THE TYRANT. Whether or not he really is supernatural is not known. What is known is that his wrestling skills are naturally super. Tobius's signature move T TO THE THIRD POWER holds the record for Finishing Move used most times on one wrestler in a match.
1. PIRAGUA- [Hall Of Famer] Born in the Brazillian rainforest, Piragua grew up around many animals and learned how to mimic the way they move, sound, and yes...fight. He combined the most lethal attributes of these animals to create a unique fighting style. He has the agility of a spider monkey, the striking ability of a boa constrictor, and the proportional strength of a rhinoceros beetle. These are the skills that made him a 3-time PWA [aka the PIRAGUA WINS AGAIN federation] World Champion for a PWA record 291 days. Unlike another self-proclaimed "legend of the ring" he has been a World Champion in 2 Federations. He has also won a plethora of other belts in his storied wrestling career. Known for his loincloth and his devastating signature move, BRAIN FREEZE, Piragua carried a whole federation on his back and will again turn wrestling rings into his own personal jungle.
2. CoCito- Walking in the footsteps of his uncle Piragua, CoCito will be the youngest wrestler ever in any of the federations. At a mere 16 years old he is already training to be a force in the EWF's competitive field of wrestlers. Unlike his uncle, CoCito was born in Queens,NY where Piragua's sister Colada relocated when she was adopted by sloth hunters. He is currently working at a cell-phone store in Jackson Heights and has used this early job and his famous uncle's BRAIN FREEZE as the basis for his signature move: THE BRAIN CELL which involves stuffing a cell phone into the opposing wrestlers mouth and kicking it up to his brain. His trademark, PAYMENT PLAN, is still being tinkered with.
3. HEAVENLY FATHER [formerly Pimp Daddy]-[Hall of Famer] The wrestler formerly known as PIMP DADDY has had a transformation since he was last in the ring. Ever since a near death experience during an orgy at a boat party held by shady businessman Lou Samut, the man known for his signature move THE BITCH MAGNET vowed to change his ways. He claimed he he met Jesus while in a brief sex coma and that the man upstairs needed him to rid the world of sinners. Now he returns to the ring with his new trademark, THE FATHER'S BLESSING followed by his new signature move, BORN AGAIN. He also announced his exit from the Ringleaderz faction that he started with another Hall of fame wrestler LTZ. He joined forces with 2-time EWF world champion LEVITCUS to form the violently religious faction: THE ZEALOTS. He is also a former EWF World Champion and 2-time Caribbean Champion as well as other belts.
4. LTZ- [Hall of Famer] The man known for his powerful and demeaning move, LESS THAN ZERO, and former EWF WORLD and CARIBBEAN Champion [as well as a buffet's worth of other belts], always showed that he had a lotta heart...and a lotta belly. LTZ was the working man's wrestler. A former mailroom clerk who began wrestling under the tutelage of his mentor JESUS DIAZ, he used his plumpness to overpower people and occasionally sit on them until they gave up. He was also deceptively fast in the ring and was known to change his demeanor from minute to minute. At first it was thought to be bipolar disorder but it eventually was blamed on his unpredictable hunger patterns. After Jesus Diaz passed away from a horse kicking accident in 2006, LTZ lost his hunger...for wrestling. After returning to the mailroom, he was motivated into wrestling again by his new boss who continually made sure he was not fooling around on the computer or talking on the phone too long. He dubbed her THE BIG BOSS LADY. And from now on she will accompany him to the ring when he wrestles so she can see him finish the job...of being World Champ again. LTZ also now is the current leader of the RINGLEADERZ faction since PIMP DADDY became HEAVENLY FATHER. What he plans to do with it is still up in the air.
5. DOUBLE BARRELL- You know the saying, "Everything's bigger in Texas." Well whoever coined that phrase must have been thinking about Double Barrell. A former EWF and PEWF Hardkore champion and PEWF barbwire champion shows that this Texan fights best when their are no rules. He grew up riding horses and learning how to shoot guns from his father. One day he stopped riding horses and started wrestling them. He got so good with guns he accidentally shot his pops when he was 10 years old. Although he felt incredibly bad about murdering his pa, he did not cry once about it. His daddy always told him, "Crying is for sissies. You ain't no sissy, are ya boy?" Everytime DB does his signature move, THE 21 GUN SALUTE, he dedicates it to his father. Double Barrel also has had to deal with the constant stalking of a wrestler he would rather not give the press to by saying his name. Needless to say, this obsessed wrestler has continued to prowl around DB's farm doing a bad job of hiding because his huge hair prevents him from doing so. DB just shrugs it off as a crazy senior citizen who is off his medication.
6. LEVITICUS- [Hall of Fame] Not much is known about this former EWF World and Caribbean champion except that he wears a mask that covers his face. Legend has it that he was a former priest whose church was burnt down by religion hating townspeople. His face was permanently scarred but not as much as the scarring he went through emotionally. His belief in people was forever gone. After that day he vowed to cleanse sinners himself. The only way he knew how to make people holy was for him to act UNHOLY... which became his signature move and his answer for a sin-free world. He has recently joined forces with HEAVENLY FATHER to create the faction known as the ZEALOTS whose sole purpose is to wash away wrestler's sins...even if its with their blood.
7. JONNY LIBIDO- This former PEWF tag team champion and PWA triple threat champion Italian from Long Island is known for his sexual prowess. He has a post-fight ritual of having sex with the hottest woman from the audience. Since he has been out of the wrestling limelight he has been on a mission to have sex with a women from each of the 50 states. He called it the U.S. LAY TOUR. He also spread his seed in the Chinese version of that tour: JEET KUNE LIBIDO which is a sexual martial arts technique he perfected. Now that he has accomplished all his wet dreams, he now has his sights set on being a World Champion. Watch out for the WOP DROP!
8. TOBIUS THE TYRANT- A former tag team champion, TOBIUS THE TYRANT claims to come from a family of vampires from Transylvania who were treated as outsiders in their own village and forced to move away because they were different. Anybody he steps in the ring with automatically becomes a member of that screaming mob that called him and his family a bunch of freaks. This led him to become a dictator in a small Transylvanian town where the villagers there naemd him TOBIUS THE TYRANT. Whether or not he really is supernatural is not known. What is known is that his wrestling skills are naturally super. Tobius's signature move T TO THE THIRD POWER holds the record for Finishing Move used most times on one wrestler in a match.
Friday, January 9, 2009
THE GAZETTE- #1
BY THE RABBLEROUZER [Paid for by JFERNZ]:
The time has come. All over our faces. It's the return of the most fiercest wrestling federation that has ever existed. The federation that had more twists and turns than an Asian woman driving. The federation that had wrestlers unhealthily obsessing over other wrestlers [See: Julio Sanchez's man-love for Double Barrell], the federation that had old school champions lose three times in one night and still claim "legendary" status [check the real results of the last pay-per-view below.] The federation where wrestlers would fight in "COLD RAIN" or on "THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING" [those were pay-per-view titles for the newbies.] It's hard to believe this thing started close to a decade ago. Now in its return to the spotlight, the stakes will definitely be higher and as I can see from a recent interview that was taken at a certain Latino wrestler's old folk's home, the bullshit will be longer. I'll be back with the best wrestling blog money can buy [although its free] throughout the year but the rest of this relaunch issue goes to our fearless leader, the president of the MASTERMINDZ stable: JFERNZ!!!
DING DING!!! by JFERNZ
First and foremost let me welcome the other stables back to the battlegrounds. Let's just say I love to hate you guys. Let me also welcome the new member of our wrestling community. So far he has introduced an out of work actor and a bartender to the federation. With that combo they can do a remake of the popular Tom Cruise movie "COCKTAIL". You two can decide which one will be the cock and which one will be the tail. Also I won't be bringing my umbrella out for this Mason Storm character. He sounds like a light drizzle. "TEST ME AND I"LL MAKE YOU FAMOUS!!! The only thing you are making famous is Emilio Estevez who uttered that same tired line in Young Guns 2. Once you are done NetFlixing wrestler catchphrases maybe you can pick up a book on manners. As the new recruit you have to earn your stripes. For now you just the red headed kid from Different Strokes. Unnecessary.
As for the two elder statesmen, I expected the same crap from you guys and you are already delivering. RUDDY RUDDY MITCHELL is already defending Old School which continues a pattern of the DPU and STALEMATES rubbing each other's privates with compliment lotion. And of course we get the same re-run of Old School giving another "exclusive" interview at his nursing home. And of course the only wrestler he continually fantasizes about,PIRAGUA, is mentioned in some weird sex dream scenario with all the gay parts conveniently left out. Thank goodness for Julio his Alzheimer's has targeted all his memories of dark matches. Because if he suddenly got flashbacks to those, his memories would be tainted. And that would be Pimp Daddy's taint. I've got more for you in the coming weeks. Updates on all your favorite MASTERMINDZ wrestlers. And also a RINGLEADERZ reunion in the works? And what is PIMP DADDY's big announcement? Stay tuned to the GAZETTE [minus the gayzayyyy!]
RESULTS FROM LAST PAY-PER-VIEW:
The time has come. All over our faces. It's the return of the most fiercest wrestling federation that has ever existed. The federation that had more twists and turns than an Asian woman driving. The federation that had wrestlers unhealthily obsessing over other wrestlers [See: Julio Sanchez's man-love for Double Barrell], the federation that had old school champions lose three times in one night and still claim "legendary" status [check the real results of the last pay-per-view below.] The federation where wrestlers would fight in "COLD RAIN" or on "THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING" [those were pay-per-view titles for the newbies.] It's hard to believe this thing started close to a decade ago. Now in its return to the spotlight, the stakes will definitely be higher and as I can see from a recent interview that was taken at a certain Latino wrestler's old folk's home, the bullshit will be longer. I'll be back with the best wrestling blog money can buy [although its free] throughout the year but the rest of this relaunch issue goes to our fearless leader, the president of the MASTERMINDZ stable: JFERNZ!!!
DING DING!!! by JFERNZ
First and foremost let me welcome the other stables back to the battlegrounds. Let's just say I love to hate you guys. Let me also welcome the new member of our wrestling community. So far he has introduced an out of work actor and a bartender to the federation. With that combo they can do a remake of the popular Tom Cruise movie "COCKTAIL". You two can decide which one will be the cock and which one will be the tail. Also I won't be bringing my umbrella out for this Mason Storm character. He sounds like a light drizzle. "TEST ME AND I"LL MAKE YOU FAMOUS!!! The only thing you are making famous is Emilio Estevez who uttered that same tired line in Young Guns 2. Once you are done NetFlixing wrestler catchphrases maybe you can pick up a book on manners. As the new recruit you have to earn your stripes. For now you just the red headed kid from Different Strokes. Unnecessary.
As for the two elder statesmen, I expected the same crap from you guys and you are already delivering. RUDDY RUDDY MITCHELL is already defending Old School which continues a pattern of the DPU and STALEMATES rubbing each other's privates with compliment lotion. And of course we get the same re-run of Old School giving another "exclusive" interview at his nursing home. And of course the only wrestler he continually fantasizes about,PIRAGUA, is mentioned in some weird sex dream scenario with all the gay parts conveniently left out. Thank goodness for Julio his Alzheimer's has targeted all his memories of dark matches. Because if he suddenly got flashbacks to those, his memories would be tainted. And that would be Pimp Daddy's taint. I've got more for you in the coming weeks. Updates on all your favorite MASTERMINDZ wrestlers. And also a RINGLEADERZ reunion in the works? And what is PIMP DADDY's big announcement? Stay tuned to the GAZETTE [minus the gayzayyyy!]
RESULTS FROM LAST PAY-PER-VIEW:
I just remember JULIO OLD SCHOOL SANCHEZ losing 3 times!!!! *
[echo effect]
THREE TIMES...THREE TIMES...THREE TIMES.........
* That includes the two dark matches after the pay-per-view which the Mastermindz stables ripped Julio a new asshole aka Old School's mouth.
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