THE GAZETTE- #1

BY THE RABBLEROUZER [Paid for by JFERNZ]:


The time has come. All over our faces. It's the return of the most fiercest wrestling federation that has ever existed. The federation that had more twists and turns than an Asian woman driving. The federation that had wrestlers unhealthily obsessing over other wrestlers [See: Julio Sanchez's man-love for Double Barrell], the federation that had old school champions lose three times in one night and still claim "legendary" status [check the real results of the last pay-per-view below.] The federation where wrestlers would fight in "COLD RAIN" or on "THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING" [those were pay-per-view titles for the newbies.] It's hard to believe this thing started close to a decade ago. Now in its return to the spotlight, the stakes will definitely be higher and as I can see from a recent interview that was taken at a certain Latino wrestler's old folk's home, the bullshit will be longer. I'll be back with the best wrestling blog money can buy [although its free] throughout the year but the rest of this relaunch issue goes to our fearless leader, the president of the MASTERMINDZ stable: JFERNZ!!!


DING DING!!! by JFERNZ

First and foremost let me welcome the other stables back to the battlegrounds. Let's just say I love to hate you guys. Let me also welcome the new member of our wrestling community. So far he has introduced an out of work actor and a bartender to the federation. With that combo they can do a remake of the popular Tom Cruise movie "COCKTAIL". You two can decide which one will be the cock and which one will be the tail. Also I won't be bringing my umbrella out for this Mason Storm character. He sounds like a light drizzle. "TEST ME AND I"LL MAKE YOU FAMOUS!!! The only thing you are making famous is Emilio Estevez who uttered that same tired line in Young Guns 2. Once you are done NetFlixing wrestler catchphrases maybe you can pick up a book on manners. As the new recruit you have to earn your stripes. For now you just the red headed kid from Different Strokes. Unnecessary.

As for the two elder statesmen, I expected the same crap from you guys and you are already delivering. RUDDY RUDDY MITCHELL is already defending Old School which continues a pattern of the DPU and STALEMATES rubbing each other's privates with compliment lotion. And of course we get the same re-run of Old School giving another "exclusive" interview at his nursing home. And of course the only wrestler he continually fantasizes about,PIRAGUA, is mentioned in some weird sex dream scenario with all the gay parts conveniently left out. Thank goodness for Julio his Alzheimer's has targeted all his memories of dark matches. Because if he suddenly got flashbacks to those, his memories would be tainted. And that would be Pimp Daddy's taint. I've got more for you in the coming weeks. Updates on all your favorite MASTERMINDZ wrestlers. And also a RINGLEADERZ reunion in the works? And what is PIMP DADDY's big announcement? Stay tuned to the GAZETTE [minus the gayzayyyy!]


RESULTS FROM LAST PAY-PER-VIEW:

I just remember JULIO OLD SCHOOL SANCHEZ losing 3 times!!!! *

[echo effect]

THREE TIMES...THREE TIMES...THREE TIMES.........

* That includes the two dark matches after the pay-per-view which the Mastermindz stables ripped Julio a new asshole aka Old School's mouth.